There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Randomize
