Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
