Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Randomize
