you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
This toilet bowl is my home.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
