I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
there is puke in my bra ... again
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