I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Randomize
