We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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