I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
she woke up with a sticky ear
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
