How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Randomize
