U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Randomize
