you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Randomize
