I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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