If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
We need to get me chipped asap
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
