I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
