You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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