So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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