the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
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