The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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