I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
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