Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
