You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Randomize
