she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Found your dick twin last night
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Randomize
