Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize
