just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
