what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Randomize
