He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
