apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
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