We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
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