My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Randomize
