we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
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