I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Randomize
