New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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