I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
it's like heaven, but drunker
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
We left the knife in your bed.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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