Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Randomize
