Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
