I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Pants are for mortals
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
