You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
