Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
