there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
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