we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Randomize
