Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Randomize
