I don't usually arrange sex via text message
One girl and one boy is just not enough.
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
