I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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