I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
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