You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
