He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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