the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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