Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
