Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
