i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Randomize
